The Perfect Wedding
by phantomstimeturner
Summary: You know those fics where Chuck crashes Blair and Nate's wedding Speak Now style? Well, this is a version that's on crack. Rated T because Blair curses like she's in the books.


**I got the idea for this when I was sick af and reading GG fanfiction. That is my excuse.**

 **Oh, and for the record, I've only seen S1 of the show, so anything after that is based on the spoilers I don't even really try to avoid. I've read all the books though.**

 **Please don't take this too seriously.**

* * *

On her wedding day, Blair Waldorf was glowing. When she told Serena that, the blonde snorted and told her just how much of a cliché that was, but Blair didn't mind. She liked clichés, just like she liked fairy tales and happy endings and Audrey Hepburn movies.

She stood at the perfect altar, a perfect smile flitting on her perfect face. She had been planning this day for months- years, if she was being honest. As soon as she'd met Nate Archibald, she'd dreamed of their wedding day, and finally, it was actually happening. _Finally._

Just a foot away from her, Nate looked gorgeous. Ha, like he could ever look anything else. Golden-brown hair and emerald eyes would always be, well, perfect to her, whether he was wearing off-brand clothes three days without a shower or wearing a tux and holding both her hands in his, finally ready to tie the knot.

 _After all this time,_ Blair thought giddily. _I always knew it would be him._

"…and if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace," the preacher intoned.

A few seconds passed silently, but just as the elderly man opened his mouth to continue the ceremony, the front door of the church swung open with a bang. "I OBJECT!"

Blair couldn't say this was entirely a surprise, but her jaw dropped anyway. Fortunately, she'd prepared for this, and she quickly kissed Nate on the cheek. "Better sit down, baby. This might take a while."

Nate grinned and found his parents in the crowd of people that had come to watch the ceremony. His fiancée, on the other hand, stomped down from the altar to "discuss" things with the person who'd dared interrupt her perfect day.

"WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MESS UP MY FUCKING WEDDING?" Blair screeched, crossing her arms and coming to a halt in the middle of the aisle.

Chuck smirked and grandly bowed in front of her. "Blair…I'm Chuck Bass."

She threw her bouquet of white roses at him, hitting him in the face with such force that he nearly fell backwards. "Yeah, and I'm Blair soon-to-be Archibald, so fuck off!"

"Oh come on, Blair, you know why I'm here. To win you back!" he said, his tone implying that she was dumb for not realizing that. His tone also implied that the bouquet had done some serious damage, and pretty soon his white Armani suit would be stained from a bloody nose.

She facepalmed, but quickly focused on glaring at him again. "DOROTA! I need the board!"

Only moments later, Dorota wheeled in a giant whiteboard covered in marker scrawl. The header was "Reasons Why it is a Terrible Idea for Chuck Bass to Crash Blair and Nate's Wedding and Why Blair is Not Going to Take Him Back". Blair always did cover all her bases.

"Thank you, Dorota," Blair said, picking up a pointing stick from the edge of the whiteboard. She whacked it against the top of the board. "Number one! Because you ruined the wedding by NOT SHOWING UP TO BE THE BEST MAN!"

"…I was supposed to be the best man?" Chuck asked.

"YES, IDIOT!" Blair roared. She pointed violently at the front of the church, where the bridesmaids and groomsmen were still standing. "Look at that! We had to make HUMPHREY the best man! Wedding ruined!"

Dan turned around and gave a shy little wave. He was _thrilled_ to be the backup best man, especially since Serena was Blair's maid of honor.

"Sorry," Chuck said meekly.

"NUMBER TWO!" Blair roared. "Nate's your best friend! And this is his wedding too! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Nate stood up in his pew to flip his best friend off. His expression was serious, but then he winked at Blair and smiled before sitting down again.

"I- I didn't mean-"

"NUMBER THREE!" Blair's stick hit the board so hard that it wobbled. "You ruined the wedding AGAIN by interrupting it!"

"You're making more of a scene than I am," Chuck pointed out.

"Dorota, add 'because Chuck is an asshole' to the list," Blair growled. Her maid picked up a marker and started writing. "Hmm, nummmmmmber four- Because you should know me better than to think I'd abandon my wedding to go god-knows-where with you! How embarrassing would _that_ be?"

"Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time," he argued, growing visibly flustered. "And for the record, I was going to take you to-"

"Five! Because I love Nate, you sick fuck," she snarled. "If I wanted you, I'd be with you. I don't, so I'm with him. You really think I'd half-ass a wedding, Bass? No one- especially not Nate- could make me do something I don't want to."

"She's right, you know," Nate put in.

Blair blew him a kiss. "Thank you, babe."

"Anything else?" Chuck asked sarcastically. Though his hope and self-esteem had to be going down by the minute, he still managed to sound confident and collected. Blair wished for another bouquet to throw in his face.

"Yes," she told him. "Number six. Because Chuck is an asshole. Not an exaggeration. Thanks for cheating on me and fucking me over numerous times. We're fifty shades of over, motherchucker."

The crowd went wild. Everyone stood up, clapping and cheering, just like they would if someone had actually gotten married. Blair smiled slyly. "Don't worry, Chuck. You can still be best man if you want. And if Nate says it's okay."

"It's okay!" Nate put in.

"ON WITH THE WEDDING!" Blair yelled. She sent Dorota and the whiteboard away and marched back to the aisle, Chuck lagging behind a little. They gently told Dan that his stint as Nate's BFF was over, and he had to go sit with his dad again. Rufus offered to make waffles later, but Dan still seemed pretty bitter about the whole affair. There would be a scathing poem about this soon.

Chuck tried to hold onto some dignity as he took the now-empty best man place. It wasn't easy, since his ex had just publicly mocked him, but, come on. He's _Chuck Bass._

Blair and Nate took their spots on the altar once again. The preacher high-fived her, but she shut him down with a glare. Starting now, everything had to be perfect again, and that meant taking things seriously instead of getting the audience to do the wave like Nate had suggested. From this moment forward, they were _all business._

"Do you, Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald, take Blair Waldorf to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," he said, his voice going all deep and sexy.

"And do you, Blair Cornelia Waldorf…"

She smiled serenely, mouthing the words as he said them, leading up to her own 'I do'. Now everything was _really_ as it should be. Having Cabbage Patch as the best man just hadn't been the same. It was much better to have Chuck up there, standing behind Nate. Besides, he would be fine. He was already eyeing up one of her bridesmaids. Yeah, there was no reason to worry about him.

"You may now kiss the bride."

She stood on tiptoes, and Nate leaned down, a kiss that lasted so long the entire audience grew uncomfortable, even Chuck, who would normally quite enjoy watching. She felt fireworks. It was perfect.


End file.
